One of "those" days

This morning, I was having a bit of a confab with an old friend. I don't know how we got to this, but we started recounting awkward memories. 

"Oh, man - you remember when you biffed it outside of Swig's in from of every one? That was so fucking funny!" Said this old friend. And my first instinct, for virtually  no reason, was to counter with "Not as funny as how bad you're bombing life right now."

This is a clear indication that I should probably stay in bed today, because I've been awake for about 20 minutes and I already know it's going to be "one of those days". But my need to pay bills outweighs my desire to spare humanity my bitchiness. 

Never Mind the Battle of the Sexes.

We need to address the Battle of Body vs Mind.

I'll start by saying that, even though I haven't brought it up here yet, I'm very passionate about sex. It's one of my favorite topics to discuss because it's a universal exercise and yet uniquely experienced by each individual. While I'm not necessarily all about the recounting of my own experiences, I enjoy getting a feel for how others perceive sex. I like delving into the nature of peoples kinks and fetishes to get different  insights on their personalities. And I like to think I'm fairly well-versed on the subject (though there will always be more to learn). But there is one aspect of this matter that eludes me: The ongoing conflict between human sexuality and the ego.

I always thought that things were supposed to become clearer as we got older. Life would endow us with experiences and a richer understanding of the way the world works. I was, evidently, laboring under a delusion because as I get older, things get more and more confusing. And nothing baffles me more than the clash of the body and the mind.

Separated and picked apart, the two aspects that make up a human are perfect. On the one hand you have your ego, what makes you "you". All of your memories, education, emotions and personality traits combined to create a complex and unique consciousness - the part of you that loves. Your morals and values along with your preferences and plans dictate the choices you make in love and relationships. And while it may not always be rational, you have a certain level control over your "ethereal self".

On the other hand you have this equally complex collection of cells, one that governs itself - your body. Every aspect of this body correlates to another in order to form a vehicle that happens to be ideal for going about your day-to-day life on the physical plane. Keeping your vital organs working, realizing when you need to refuel and recharge, healing itself after injury or illness... It's nothing short of miraculous that the atoms of this form are held together in divine perfection. But don't be fooled. Just about every function of your being is working towards a single goal: Procreation. Even if you don't want kids, everything about sex, from hormones to orgasms, is designed to make you reproduce.

Looking at it from the outside, common sense would tell you that to put this higher consciousness inside a body of base needs could result in chaos. There's as much potential for anguish as there is for euphoria. You might have a love of your life, a match for your soul, and the sex will make you feel complete in every way. But your body could compromise everything when it sees a another body it feels unconsciously compelled to make a baby with. Your significant other could become mad with jealousy and make your life hell when you're caught eyeing up a particularly attractive person. You might have told yourself to have some dignity and stop sleeping around, but the warm-and-fuzzies brought on by a desirable new acquaintance coax you into one more tryst that will leave you feeling shameful.

And yet here we are, two aspects of a divided being, fighting for the upper hand. And judging by the number of times I've had my ego wrecked because I couldn't keep my pants on, I'd say my body's winning this battle.

At least the Universe has a sense of humor.

Wrong Side of the Bed

The insomnia is starting to have a reverse effect  on my emotional state. Whereas before, I was too tired to feel anything, now I'm going slightly insane.

It's actually quite astonishing to me that my mind, having only been awake for two and a half minutes, has the capability to go over every shitty detail of my life at light speed and render me immobilized. I knew this new-found positivity was precarious at best (at worst, an illusion) yet I am surprised that I'm having a nervous breakdown right now. I'm trying to hang on to that high of last night and focus only on what's going well - and there is lots to be happy about - but my brain has a mind of its own. 

It goes like this:
  1. Oh great, I'm "awake". 
  2. Have fun working on three hours sleep again, self.
  3. Fuck me, I forgot about my job. Way to be over-worked and under-paid.
  4. Now I have to get there and smile so I have the semblance of being a pleasant human being.
  5. ... even though the office is filled with people I would happily push into traffic.
  6. After that ordeal, I get to come home and have a nice evening of solitude in my shoebox apartment.
  7. I can then reflect on the joys of being single.
  8. I've been over this: just quit the job and get the fuck out of this city for a while.
  9. No, can't do that because I have to be respectful of my friends and think of my future.
  10. Fuck it then, just hide in bed.
Once I've come full circle, I have two choices: I could have a temper tantrum, but since throwing shit and stomping my feet is unbecoming of an adult, I give into the overwhelming urge to give zero fucks. 

This Evening II (is Mercury in retrograde, or something?)

Holy fuck, y'all. What is it about our loved ones that drive us bat-shit crazy?  Scratch that, I know exactly what it is:

The first bit is that miscommunication is sometimes unavoidable. As friends or family members, you tend to be on the same wavelength most of the time; that's the reason you get on so well and when communication is fully functional, everything is good. But sometimes there's a disconnect that is, in my opinion, one of the most frustrating things in the world to deal with. In your own mind, you're making perfect sense - why, then, is this person who knows you so well having such a hard time understanding what  it is you're trying to get across? It feels a little something like this:

   - "I care about you a great deal so I feel like I should tell you that some of the choices you've made concern me. Have you ever considered looking at things from another point of view in order to spare yourself grief?"

   - "Totally - I've been meaning to make significant changes to my day-to-day routine so I can live life to the max. "

   - "... and that sounds great! But what I was trying to say was that-"

   - "Yeah, like hitting the gym more often and getting ripped. Hey, did you know butterflies taste with their feet?"

   - "What. The. Fuck?"

You have to come to terms with the fact that you can't make someone understand what's going on in your brain, even though every nerve in your body is resisting the urge to physically force yourself inside of their head and beat your point into it.

Bit two is that you cannot escape your loved ones easily. What I mean by that is this: if you, for example, start a philosophical conversation with a stranger wearing a sandwich board proclaiming  the end is nigh and he starts screaming that Jesus in a spaceship is coming to save us all so you better repent, you can simply walk away. Because that person is clearly insane and poses a possible threat to your safety, no one would fault you for hightailing it the fuck out of there.

But your loved ones are entwined in your life. They're in it for the long haul. Because you love them for all their endearing traits as well as their faults, you can't bring yourself to say "Nope, not gonna deal with your crazy ass any more" and walk off into the sunset. You have have to grin and bear it, and pray that the new day will bring better perspective. 

It's enough to drive any one banana-sandwich, if you ask me. I'm both baffled and impressed that our species has managed to survive each other, let alone flourish over the years. 

This Evening I (I'm in motion!)

To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect the apathy to last long, but it did do the trick. The build-up of crappy situations and the effects they were bound to have one way or another have surfaced and I will simply have to deal with them. But it's all irrelevant because I have a light at the end of my tunnel, a shining beacon pushing me on. I have a force of will and prize to set my eyes on...


For years, this music festival has called to me like a siren song, and for all sorts of reasons I was never able to answer it. The congregation of like-minded people gathered together to get creative and have fun seems like precisely the place I need to be. Imagine it: five days of earth living, music, dancing, fellowship, love, beauty and, above all, liberation. 

Maybe I am desperate for something big to happen, but I feel like this would be a life-changing experience for me, one that cannot come too soon and one that I am unwilling to pass up on another year. 

My mission (though in essence simple and in practice will likely be a challenge) is to beat my battle with finances and get my ass to Shambhala. 

$310.00 - Ticket
$80.00 - Early Admission
Depending on number of cohorts:
$100-300 - Campsite
$100 - Gas
$150 - Food & Water

So I'll need roughly $950.00, and at least $400.00 in the next 6 weeks in order to obtain tickets.

Holy fuck, I feel such a rush. I'm finally moving!

Brain, what are you doing?

I thought we had deal: you were going to remain oblivious to all outside stressors in order for me to maintain what sanity I have left. You dropped the ball, Brain, and I am not impressed. I need you to be on your game so we can get through this shit together. I'm counting on you, ok?

You think we can do this? Good! Hands in: 1 - 2 - 3 - GO TEAM ME!

*cue inspirational music and movie montage of Brain and me winning at Life together*

Dear My Brain,

Further to my earlier post, written at the utterly insane hour of 3:30 am, I'd like to give a big shout-out to you, my sleep deprived homey, for taking initiative and getting started on that emotional shut-down today: 

In all seriousness, Brain, things could have turned extremely sour if I had had the mental faculties to process stressors today. I feel confident that with another night free of slumber, we can persevere through the impending shit show to come. I would like to express my deepest gratitude to you for allowing to me to see the day through with no physical or spiritual harm done. Your hard-won apathy has brought us to 9,308 murder-free days - let's hope for 9,308 more! 



Welcome Back, Insomnia!

I've gone and screwed things up for myself again. Will I ever learn? The answer, of course, is a resounding "Nope, probably not."

The hard-sought happiness I've been building over the last few weeks is swiftly crumbling. Or was it only an illusion in the first place? I don't know, but it feels like everything I was scared of happening is threatening to happen. I'm throwing every tool I have at the impending funk in the hopes of negating it before it happens, but I worry it may not be enough. Maybe my brain is addled by the lack of sleep, but it's telling me that complete shutdown is in order - at least until the threat is over. 

I would seriously consider committing crimes if it meant I could sleep again.


Doormat Complex & The One That Got Away.

Except that I totally am.

 I don't know how to start this one. I know there's some one out there reading this that may be hurt by what I have to say. Hurting some one I care about is the last thing I want to do, but I know it's some times unavoidable.

   And frankly, I've been hurt so much, I'm starting to think maybe it's time this person got a taste of his own medicine. (P.S.: I re-read this and shivered a little inside: some times my inner Scorpio scares me with that "eye for an eye" shit)

   I know that I can start by saying that none of what I've had to go through with particular person is new to me. My romantic endeavors tend to be quite cyclical, and while I should know by this time what is likely to happen when each new cycle starts, I'll probably follow that familiar course any way. I'm starting to see that it's rooted in the fact that I have an ideal, I have something I know I want to happen in terms of a relationship. Most of me feels like this is a great thing; having an ideal can help me ensure that I won't settle for less than I want or deserve. The other little bit of me thinks it's time to shut that nonsense down.

   Growing up, I never had a relationship to look up to the way most children had. Even kids from divorced families will more than likely get to see their parents interacting with a romantic interest or new spouse. But I never had that. After my mother left my dad, she never had another relationship so I never had anything to base an ideal off of.

   Once I was old enough to become of aware of the fact that one day I would be taking part in the whole relationship thing, I started collecting information from my respective "adoptive moms". To this day the one thing thing in common they all had to say was "Your partner should be both your lover and your best friend." This made perfect sense to me, and still does - especially because I now know from multiple first hand experiences that it's impossible to have a relationship with some one you could never be just friends with for what ever reason (lack of common interest being the main one). I'm sure most people know this - I can't be the only one who falls for her friends all the time, right?

   But getting back to the cycle: Some one came into my life, and he was different than any other. You know how sometimes you're lucky enough to have an instant connection with some one? It was that. I don't know what it was about this person, but I was immediately comfortable and open (where I would normally be quite reserved). He became very dear to me very quickly.

   We were unfortunate in taking what we had to a different level, that perilous realm of intimacy - but fortunate to be able to cultivate a friendship after the fact. But, for me at any rate, the damage was done: I had fallen in love, and a different kind of love than I had previously experienced. I decided to tell him as much and it left me feeling like hell.

   It was easy to convince myself for a long time that  I was over the idea of wanting us to be together. But every now and again I'd spend a little too much time with him and start thinking "Man, how cool would it be to have a relationship with your best friend?" But I'd just keep stamping the notion down and chalking it up to my being lonely.

   But upon deep contemplation, I realized that was simply not the case. I didn't want this person because I couldn't find any one more desirable. I wanted him because I finally felt what it was to fall for some one who felt like a perfect match rather than conceding to settle on some one who was filling a hole (and I do mean in more ways than one). I was never bored with him. He was usually the only one who could make me laugh when my day was shitty. I always felt nice when he held me, even if it was platonic. It killed me to see him sad, and it felt so good when I was able to help him in any little way. I wanted to be that person he'd turn to always.

   Any ways, long story short: my endearing habit of giving some one I love everything I have kicked in, and he loved having some one to care about and take care of him. But I mistook his need for my support as... I don't know. Something it wasn't.

   Whoops. My bad.

And you want to know the sick part? Even knowing I'll probably never get what I want out of this, I'd still drop everything to be there if he needed me, because it truly does kill me to see him unhappy.

   So that's where I am right now. I was mad - livid, really. Now I'm just sad because I never thought I'd have one of those "the one that got away" situations. I always thought that if I was fortunate enough to find some one worth pursuing the way he is, I'd never let them get away.

   Oh, Life. You kind of suck today. 

Logical Me and Emotion Self are having another discussion:

ES: You know, we could get a good chuck of change if we sold this crap.
LM: What are you on about?
ES: Look - TV, $250. Coffee table and matching TV stand, $100. Tablet, $300. Guitar, $150. Dinning room set, like, $75.
LM: Seriously, the fuck are you talking about? I hope you're not implying...
ES: Hell, yeah, I am! Sell all this material shit and you'll have $875ish.
LM: Yes, but -
ES: And then quit your job. You'll get 13.5 days vacation payed out on top of your pay cheque. Then that's about $3.100. 
LM: Yes, math is nice but - 
ES: Then all you have to do is tell the landlord you're packing up and and leaving. The damage deposit should come back almost in full. So we're up to about $3,800.
LM: And do what exactly? 
ES: Who the fuck cares? Bring your books and clothes and anything important back to mums and go somewhere. Any fucking where. Go to that commune in BC. Go live for a bit in Quebec again. See G-ma and Gil. See the oceans - both of them. Join Aya's circus. Finally go to Shambhala! (It's way cheaper than we expected!)
LM: And when that money runs out I, what? Just find a job for a few weeks? 
ES: Duh.
LM: But my friends. I can't just disappear! 
ES: I'm sure they'd understand. Oooo, or maybe they'll come with you! 
LM: Fat fucking chance my married ladies would go adventuring with me... but you do make a good point.

It's rarely safe when my emotions start making the decisions.

But it's always a lot of fun.

Are we there YET??

I feel kind of useless writing a post when I frankly have nothing I want to discuss. But writing had been helping me, and since I'm on such a good streak, I'll do whatever it takes to stay in this mindset.

In terms of my dilemma with what I should be doing with my life... Well I never thought it would be easy to reach my goal, but I certainly didn't think it was going to be that hard figure out what that goal was in the first place! I've been wracking my brain trying to think of the things I could do that I can enjoy thoroughly, that will make me feel that I am contributing something worthwhile to the world and, of course, pay the bills. It's proving much more difficult than I had thought possible! 

The office is becoming a place more and more frustrating to be. I used to love going into work and dropping (most) of my problems at the door so I could mindlessly immerse myself into my routine. Now, I drag my ass  to my desk and check the clock too often, silently praying that it's 3:30... to find that it's only noon. Being busy used to make my days fly by. Now, I'm still busy but the days feel like eternity.

I find I have to remind myself constantly that I am still (relatively) young and have plenty of time to reorganize my life. This because I'm starting to feel as though every minute I spend in this stagnant state I've unknowingly been in for years is a complete waste of my time. And now that I have this fire inside, this momentum I need to move forward, I worry it won't last and I'll settle back into a state of apathy. 

Humans have a habit of getting comfortable and staying where they feel safe and secure. It's a cycle I've found myself falling into a number of times, just like everybody else on the planet. But I actually thrive on change. I relish the opportunity to do all sorts of strange things not every one would be comfortable with. This is why I have never held a job position for more than three years. It's the reason I want to throw myself into the wide world, experience and learn every thing I can. 

The best I can do to satisfy my needs at the moment is taking small pleasure in long car rides and losing myself in books.

It may be wishful thinking but I must obtain the elusive win!

I'm boooooooored.

Whoa, long time no post! I don't know what the hell happened there...

So, I'm starting to really not enjoy going into work these days. I still like my job and I like what I do, but it's simply not satisfying. I'm still thinking that changing careers, maybe doing something more worthwhile. If I was better educated (academically) I'd waste no time getting into the mental health care system.

That being said, Sis just got back from her first trip abroad with some incredible stories and she's inspired me to have some adventures of my own. I think I can tough it out at the office until I can get enough money to get the fuck out of here! First thing's first: I need to get home and see Sis - it's been two months and that simply won't do!

Also, had a great last few days (minus the work-y bits) but my Buddy is now out of the country! What to do with myself when two of my favorite people are so far away? I was thinking of wine, but I have to restrain my impulse to spend money.... Booo, world. Boooo.

Oh, Life, you sly bastard

"I've been in dire straits before, but this is crazy. Thank God for modern medicine: if wasn't for the drugs, I'd be having the full-blown panic attack I've been keeping at bay the last three days."

Scratch that. 
That was yesterday. 
Shit's cool now.

Why do I doubt that there are forces - including my own often-forgotten tenacity - helping me get to the end of my journey? One day, I'm going to remember right off the hop that every thing I need will provided to me in time. That way, when I'm struggling financially (because, let's face it, it will keep on happening until I learn to handle my money), emotionally (yay, hormones!) and spiritually (seriously, what is my purpose?),  I'll be able to reflect on how the Universe has never yet let me down, thereby negating stress and dismay before it even happens.

Easier said than done? Not really, I just have to accept what is and deal with it as it comes. After all, things are only as bad as I make them out to be. So if I stop looking at these bumps as problems, they cease to be problems. They simply become another lesson learned on my journey.

Also, it helps to have a mom who, although lacking in affection and other such "mom-skills", always has and continues to take of her kids when they need it. 

I totally knew I wasn't going to have to live off of half a bag of frozen peas until the 15th... 

On lies and being lied to

The thing I am noticing most about these periods of happiness is that they are both a blessing and a torture. They are amazing because I feel back to my old self, and they're torture because, try as I may to remain constantly positive, eventually something will happen to bring me right back down to where I hate being.

I can remain undaunted by one emotional blow. Through a second blow, I can still look on the bright side. But there's only so many little things that can pile on before it becomes too much for me to handle and retaining that optimistic attitude becomes draining. I don't like to give up, and nothing frustrates me more than hearing some one say "Fuck it, I give up." But I'm kind of there, and it feels better than stress.

Any way, moving on. I actually had subject in mind when I started this post, so lets get to it.

Let me paint a picture for you...

 Let's say that you've met some one. They're attractive, interesting, and fun to be around and by some stroke of luck, they are displaying an interest in you. As any one would do, you spend time with that person to determine whether or not a relationship is an endeavour you should bother setting out on. You tell each other about your past, your background, your goals and dreams.

Eventually, the conversation will lead you to more unsavory topics. Let's face it: no one has had a perfect life, and every one makes mistakes. You have to take the bad if you decide to pursue the good. Say, for instance, the conversation leads to the subject of infidelity. You can relay your experiences with it, whether you've cheated or been cheated on. And when you ask person if they've ever cheated on a significant other, they adamantly tell you they've never done it.

Of course, you want to believe what they're telling you is true - you may be the type of person who has complete trust in some one until they've let you down. And of course, the more you become infatuated with this person, the more you want them to be perfect in your eyes so you can justify getting into a relationship with them.

But lets say a few months into knowing this person, they let it slip they had been unfaithful to an old lover or a spouse. What happens then?

On the one hand, it's good to know that this person has been honest in regards to a subject that is touchy with you... but on the other, that person straight-up lied to your face so they would continue to look good in your eyes.

So the million dollar question is: do you continue to trust this person, or is the trust shattered?

If it was me, I'd be very confused about the situation for various reasons, the first being that, while I understand every one's entitled to omit certain information, I cannot stand being lied to. When some one lies to me, I feel like they must think I'm stupid. But I almost always know when I'm being lied to, and I have no qualms with getting to the bottom of it (normally with mad Jedi mind tricks that stun people into telling the truth without realizing). To bring my intelligence into question by lying to me would only be a detriment to the other party, so why bother?

The second issue I take with the scenario is that I don't think I'd like the other party not letting me decide for myself if this was information to take into consideration when deciding how I feel about them. I rarely have an issue with laying everything bare - I know that I appreciate honesty, so I try to be honest in all my dealings - and I don't think it's too much to expect the same.

On the flip-side, I used to be in the habit of overlooking all of potential partners flaws in order for them to remain golden in my eyes. It was really bad habit that I picked up back when I thought being in relationship what paramount and I would do just about anything to make a relationship work. So, if I made the decision to overlook this one lie, would I be reverting to old desperate tendencies?

It's a toughy, right?

Kay and the Big Bad Break-up

Coming soon... when ever I figure out how to upload video on this fucking thing.