Never Mind the Battle of the Sexes.

We need to address the Battle of Body vs Mind.

I'll start by saying that, even though I haven't brought it up here yet, I'm very passionate about sex. It's one of my favorite topics to discuss because it's a universal exercise and yet uniquely experienced by each individual. While I'm not necessarily all about the recounting of my own experiences, I enjoy getting a feel for how others perceive sex. I like delving into the nature of peoples kinks and fetishes to get different  insights on their personalities. And I like to think I'm fairly well-versed on the subject (though there will always be more to learn). But there is one aspect of this matter that eludes me: The ongoing conflict between human sexuality and the ego.

I always thought that things were supposed to become clearer as we got older. Life would endow us with experiences and a richer understanding of the way the world works. I was, evidently, laboring under a delusion because as I get older, things get more and more confusing. And nothing baffles me more than the clash of the body and the mind.

Separated and picked apart, the two aspects that make up a human are perfect. On the one hand you have your ego, what makes you "you". All of your memories, education, emotions and personality traits combined to create a complex and unique consciousness - the part of you that loves. Your morals and values along with your preferences and plans dictate the choices you make in love and relationships. And while it may not always be rational, you have a certain level control over your "ethereal self".

On the other hand you have this equally complex collection of cells, one that governs itself - your body. Every aspect of this body correlates to another in order to form a vehicle that happens to be ideal for going about your day-to-day life on the physical plane. Keeping your vital organs working, realizing when you need to refuel and recharge, healing itself after injury or illness... It's nothing short of miraculous that the atoms of this form are held together in divine perfection. But don't be fooled. Just about every function of your being is working towards a single goal: Procreation. Even if you don't want kids, everything about sex, from hormones to orgasms, is designed to make you reproduce.

Looking at it from the outside, common sense would tell you that to put this higher consciousness inside a body of base needs could result in chaos. There's as much potential for anguish as there is for euphoria. You might have a love of your life, a match for your soul, and the sex will make you feel complete in every way. But your body could compromise everything when it sees a another body it feels unconsciously compelled to make a baby with. Your significant other could become mad with jealousy and make your life hell when you're caught eyeing up a particularly attractive person. You might have told yourself to have some dignity and stop sleeping around, but the warm-and-fuzzies brought on by a desirable new acquaintance coax you into one more tryst that will leave you feeling shameful.

And yet here we are, two aspects of a divided being, fighting for the upper hand. And judging by the number of times I've had my ego wrecked because I couldn't keep my pants on, I'd say my body's winning this battle.

At least the Universe has a sense of humor.

Doormat Complex & The One That Got Away.

 

Except that I totally am.

 I don't know how to start this one. I know there's some one out there reading this that may be hurt by what I have to say. Hurting some one I care about is the last thing I want to do, but I know it's some times unavoidable.

   And frankly, I've been hurt so much, I'm starting to think maybe it's time this person got a taste of his own medicine. (P.S.: I re-read this and shivered a little inside: some times my inner Scorpio scares me with that "eye for an eye" shit)

   I know that I can start by saying that none of what I've had to go through with particular person is new to me. My romantic endeavors tend to be quite cyclical, and while I should know by this time what is likely to happen when each new cycle starts, I'll probably follow that familiar course any way. I'm starting to see that it's rooted in the fact that I have an ideal, I have something I know I want to happen in terms of a relationship. Most of me feels like this is a great thing; having an ideal can help me ensure that I won't settle for less than I want or deserve. The other little bit of me thinks it's time to shut that nonsense down.

   Growing up, I never had a relationship to look up to the way most children had. Even kids from divorced families will more than likely get to see their parents interacting with a romantic interest or new spouse. But I never had that. After my mother left my dad, she never had another relationship so I never had anything to base an ideal off of.

   Once I was old enough to become of aware of the fact that one day I would be taking part in the whole relationship thing, I started collecting information from my respective "adoptive moms". To this day the one thing thing in common they all had to say was "Your partner should be both your lover and your best friend." This made perfect sense to me, and still does - especially because I now know from multiple first hand experiences that it's impossible to have a relationship with some one you could never be just friends with for what ever reason (lack of common interest being the main one). I'm sure most people know this - I can't be the only one who falls for her friends all the time, right?

   But getting back to the cycle: Some one came into my life, and he was different than any other. You know how sometimes you're lucky enough to have an instant connection with some one? It was that. I don't know what it was about this person, but I was immediately comfortable and open (where I would normally be quite reserved). He became very dear to me very quickly.

   We were unfortunate in taking what we had to a different level, that perilous realm of intimacy - but fortunate to be able to cultivate a friendship after the fact. But, for me at any rate, the damage was done: I had fallen in love, and a different kind of love than I had previously experienced. I decided to tell him as much and it left me feeling like hell.

   It was easy to convince myself for a long time that  I was over the idea of wanting us to be together. But every now and again I'd spend a little too much time with him and start thinking "Man, how cool would it be to have a relationship with your best friend?" But I'd just keep stamping the notion down and chalking it up to my being lonely.

   But upon deep contemplation, I realized that was simply not the case. I didn't want this person because I couldn't find any one more desirable. I wanted him because I finally felt what it was to fall for some one who felt like a perfect match rather than conceding to settle on some one who was filling a hole (and I do mean in more ways than one). I was never bored with him. He was usually the only one who could make me laugh when my day was shitty. I always felt nice when he held me, even if it was platonic. It killed me to see him sad, and it felt so good when I was able to help him in any little way. I wanted to be that person he'd turn to always.

   Any ways, long story short: my endearing habit of giving some one I love everything I have kicked in, and he loved having some one to care about and take care of him. But I mistook his need for my support as... I don't know. Something it wasn't.

   Whoops. My bad.

And you want to know the sick part? Even knowing I'll probably never get what I want out of this, I'd still drop everything to be there if he needed me, because it truly does kill me to see him unhappy.

   So that's where I am right now. I was mad - livid, really. Now I'm just sad because I never thought I'd have one of those "the one that got away" situations. I always thought that if I was fortunate enough to find some one worth pursuing the way he is, I'd never let them get away.

   Oh, Life. You kind of suck today. 

On lies and being lied to

The thing I am noticing most about these periods of happiness is that they are both a blessing and a torture. They are amazing because I feel back to my old self, and they're torture because, try as I may to remain constantly positive, eventually something will happen to bring me right back down to where I hate being.

I can remain undaunted by one emotional blow. Through a second blow, I can still look on the bright side. But there's only so many little things that can pile on before it becomes too much for me to handle and retaining that optimistic attitude becomes draining. I don't like to give up, and nothing frustrates me more than hearing some one say "Fuck it, I give up." But I'm kind of there, and it feels better than stress.

Any way, moving on. I actually had subject in mind when I started this post, so lets get to it.

Let me paint a picture for you...

 Let's say that you've met some one. They're attractive, interesting, and fun to be around and by some stroke of luck, they are displaying an interest in you. As any one would do, you spend time with that person to determine whether or not a relationship is an endeavour you should bother setting out on. You tell each other about your past, your background, your goals and dreams.

Eventually, the conversation will lead you to more unsavory topics. Let's face it: no one has had a perfect life, and every one makes mistakes. You have to take the bad if you decide to pursue the good. Say, for instance, the conversation leads to the subject of infidelity. You can relay your experiences with it, whether you've cheated or been cheated on. And when you ask person if they've ever cheated on a significant other, they adamantly tell you they've never done it.

Of course, you want to believe what they're telling you is true - you may be the type of person who has complete trust in some one until they've let you down. And of course, the more you become infatuated with this person, the more you want them to be perfect in your eyes so you can justify getting into a relationship with them.

But lets say a few months into knowing this person, they let it slip they had been unfaithful to an old lover or a spouse. What happens then?

On the one hand, it's good to know that this person has been honest in regards to a subject that is touchy with you... but on the other, that person straight-up lied to your face so they would continue to look good in your eyes.

So the million dollar question is: do you continue to trust this person, or is the trust shattered?

If it was me, I'd be very confused about the situation for various reasons, the first being that, while I understand every one's entitled to omit certain information, I cannot stand being lied to. When some one lies to me, I feel like they must think I'm stupid. But I almost always know when I'm being lied to, and I have no qualms with getting to the bottom of it (normally with mad Jedi mind tricks that stun people into telling the truth without realizing). To bring my intelligence into question by lying to me would only be a detriment to the other party, so why bother?

The second issue I take with the scenario is that I don't think I'd like the other party not letting me decide for myself if this was information to take into consideration when deciding how I feel about them. I rarely have an issue with laying everything bare - I know that I appreciate honesty, so I try to be honest in all my dealings - and I don't think it's too much to expect the same.

On the flip-side, I used to be in the habit of overlooking all of potential partners flaws in order for them to remain golden in my eyes. It was really bad habit that I picked up back when I thought being in relationship what paramount and I would do just about anything to make a relationship work. So, if I made the decision to overlook this one lie, would I be reverting to old desperate tendencies?

It's a toughy, right?

Monks & Onesies

 If you have the time, watch this video:

 Among all of the articles, blogs, and youtube videos about dealing with depression, this is likely best I have ever come across. It was nice to be hear the little truths we know but tend to overlook (and it was nice to be reminded of why I got my most recent tattoo, "This too shall pass").

Also, I watched the Hobbit (again) last night, and there's been something bothering me all day...

How in the fuck did they manage to put pony onesies on all those horses?

The Power of a Good Friend (aka: Melon-Farming Superheroes)

So, I have this friend, a really great one. I haven't known him for as long as some other buddies, but he's actually one of the best that I have. Let me explain to you why:

Some times (a lot of times, actually) I feel like I'm alone and I have to struggle with life's hurdles without help from others. It's mainly because I don't know how to ask for help, and I am easily disappointed - unjustly so. I can't expect people to just read my mind and know that I need help, but I kind of do it anyway. So I've taken on the mentality that if I don't have expectations of others, I won't be disappointed. It's a win-win, right?

But this friend, he surprises me all the time. Just when I am starting to feel so completely isolated I lose hope, this guy swoops in and saves my day. Sometimes he knows I just need some one to have a five minute chat with (or vent to) over a smoke. Some times he rescues me from my life altogether. It's kind of hard to explain, but he has a way of making me talk my issues out till they're not issues anymore. His advice is always sound, and I listen gladly to what he has to say. He is my Voice of Reason when my Logical Self has checked out for the day. And in being so, he redeems all the negative thoughts I had about how one-sided friendships can be. 

Truly, if you have even only one friend who makes you feel this way, you are blessed just like me.