The insomnia is starting to have a reverse effect on my emotional state. Whereas before, I was too tired to feel anything, now I'm going slightly insane.
It's actually quite astonishing to me that my mind, having only been awake for two and a half minutes, has the capability to go over every shitty detail of my life at light speed and render me immobilized. I knew this new-found positivity was precarious at best (at worst, an illusion) yet I am surprised that I'm having a nervous breakdown right now. I'm trying to hang on to that high of last night and focus only on what's going well - and there is lots to be happy about - but my brain has a mind of its own.
It goes like this:
- Oh great, I'm "awake".
- Have fun working on three hours sleep again, self.
- Fuck me, I forgot about my job. Way to be over-worked and under-paid.
- Now I have to get there and smile so I have the semblance of being a pleasant human being.
- ... even though the office is filled with people I would happily push into traffic.
- After that ordeal, I get to come home and have a nice evening of solitude in my shoebox apartment.
- I can then reflect on the joys of being single.
- I've been over this: just quit the job and get the fuck out of this city for a while.
- No, can't do that because I have to be respectful of my friends and think of my future.
- Fuck it then, just hide in bed.
Once I've come full circle, I have two choices: I could have a temper tantrum, but since throwing shit and stomping my feet is unbecoming of an adult, I give into the overwhelming urge to give zero fucks.