Wrong Side of the Bed

The insomnia is starting to have a reverse effect  on my emotional state. Whereas before, I was too tired to feel anything, now I'm going slightly insane.

It's actually quite astonishing to me that my mind, having only been awake for two and a half minutes, has the capability to go over every shitty detail of my life at light speed and render me immobilized. I knew this new-found positivity was precarious at best (at worst, an illusion) yet I am surprised that I'm having a nervous breakdown right now. I'm trying to hang on to that high of last night and focus only on what's going well - and there is lots to be happy about - but my brain has a mind of its own. 

It goes like this:
  1. Oh great, I'm "awake". 
  2. Have fun working on three hours sleep again, self.
  3. Fuck me, I forgot about my job. Way to be over-worked and under-paid.
  4. Now I have to get there and smile so I have the semblance of being a pleasant human being.
  5. ... even though the office is filled with people I would happily push into traffic.
  6. After that ordeal, I get to come home and have a nice evening of solitude in my shoebox apartment.
  7. I can then reflect on the joys of being single.
  8. I've been over this: just quit the job and get the fuck out of this city for a while.
  9. No, can't do that because I have to be respectful of my friends and think of my future.
  10. Fuck it then, just hide in bed.
Once I've come full circle, I have two choices: I could have a temper tantrum, but since throwing shit and stomping my feet is unbecoming of an adult, I give into the overwhelming urge to give zero fucks. 

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