I don't know what the fuck is going on any more. That fleeting period of contentment has flown the coop, and I'm left feeling like something just crumbled inside. It's different than just sadness or anger. It's despair, complete and all-encompassing, that's settled on my shoulders and wrapped its self around me, squeezing tight. Or rather, it's like a riptide trying to pull me under. For the longest time, I resisted it, I refused to cave. And then, just like that, what strength I had seemed to snap and everything I was holding back came washing over me. I've been swallowed whole by it, and I feel like I'm drowning.
Can I tell you something? It's sick, but just listen: Despite all the brief moments of true happiness I've had over the last year, even knowing that I wasn't where I was supposed to be, I'd give anything to go back to being blissfully unaware. I would take being simply content rather than this despondency....When did I become such a pussy??