I really should have foreseen this.
I finally caved and texted the ex. I had found some of his crap in my storage room months ago but never bothered to return it. I think I was trying to be 100% positive that talking to him wouldn't evoke any negative emotions. I said something generic along lines of "Hey, how's things? I found some stuff I don't want lying around my apartment - can I mail it to your work?" As soon as I hit send, I was overwhelmed with a pulse-racing, stomach-roiling anxiety attack. Like I was scared of something but couldn't figure out why... When he said "sure, you need the address?", I should have said yep and left it at that. But, as we have established, I am a masochist (or just an idiot) and responded with "Or if you feel like catching up, I don't mind meeting up with you..." which led to instant facepalm.
I was feeling really stupid until he unloaded a gem of a text, turning my whole day around.
"I'm not sure," he said, "I'll have to ask Ally if it's ok."
It was so perfectly what I needed to hear, I almost couldn't believe it. Here I am, free as a bird doing whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want, and my ex tells me he needs to ask his woman's permission to meet up for coffee. It was beautiful, and guys.... it only got better from there.
See, one of the most annoying yet slightly endearing traits this poor boy possesses is rather a dull wit. Well, that's putting it mildly. He's actually kind of an idiot (see below for the best example of all time)* which means it's ridiculously easy to make scathing remarks without him realizing. This has the dual benefit of getting your point across in the bitchiest way possible while being amused at how little he understands. This is how the conversation went, verbatim:
K: Or if you feel like catching up, I don't mind meeting you somewhere.
D: As for meeting up. I'm not sure. I'll have to ask Ally if it's ok.
K: You have to ask permission to see people? Save yourself the bother. I"ll just mail your shit over.
D: It's not that Ally. What kind of stuff do you have that you wanna send me
K: I know what you meant, I just thought it was funny/ironic, is all. It's mostly photos from your trip home and some other stuff I don't want taking up space.
D: Right on, you can mail it for sure. What are you up to these days?
K: Work and social activity, writing and traveling. All the things I didn't get to do much of when we were together. Best be careful, though - this may be a little too much like catching up :)
Then we got into how happy we both are. I mean, yes I am happy and I said so, but this guy was just over-the-top about how he's SO HAPPY, EXTREMELY HAPPY, THE HAPPIEST HE'S EVER BEEN. He's gotten his shit together and it's all thanks to Ally. She's amazing, she's perfect, she's everything he ever wanted, and they're engaged. Yes, engaged. Allow me to do the math for you: In September, D came to me begging me to give us one more chance, to please take him back. So that means that he met some one and proposed within seven months of meeting her. To which I responded:
K: Lol, nice - didn't waste any time with this one, eh? She already knocked up or something? :P I'm happy you're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm exactly where I want to be, too. Can you imagine if I had taken you back? Urgh, it would be terrible!
D: She truly is amazing. She's everything I can imagine and more. No she isn't knocked up, lol. She's the one for me.... It's nice to hear you're doing good, as well. I can't imagine it either. It'd prolly be pretty bad, lol.
K:Well, all you ever wanted was a biddable wife no matter what the personality, and she was willing to get married to you after 6 months or less, so she must be perfect for you, lol.
Anyways, after having made some plans to chat and exchange goods, he texted me like the coward he is to cancel. He tells me he's really happy and he doesn't want to mar it with our troubled past. At this point, I'm fairly certain that it is, in fact, Ally texting me as D does not have the capacity to verbalize emotions.
K: Listen, if you're still having issues with the breakup, that's on you. I buried the hatched long ago and have now tried to do what you said you wanted - to be amicable. I extended the hand of friendship, but it looks as though you'll never change. And I'm sorry for you.
D:There's no hard feelings. But also no point in becoming friends when the friendship was gone so long ago. I'm happy that you've found happiness as well (Yeah, she's totally talking on his behalf)
K: Fair enough. I'll google your work address and send you your things (selling the diamond ring tho, hope you don't mind, lol). May you have a blissful shotgun wedding, and I'll see you (hopefully) never. Bye:)
*Ok, and now for the funny little anecdote about how dumb this guy was. One day, while driving to meet some people for dinner, D and I got into some playful banter - as couples do, you know. After a few exchanges, I said "Yeah? Well, your face looks like feces!" The remark was greeted by silence and so I felt I had to ask: "You do know what feces is... right?"
"I'm not stupid, K," he said, evidently exasperated. "I know what a dead baby is."
Guys, I almost died that day.