The Unintentional Masochist (That's Me! *ting*)

What is it with our love/hate relationship with pain and drama? Are we, the unbalanced, in such need of extremes in order to feel anything at all that we find ourselves making obviously poor choices? Or are we so desperate to feel good that we'll risk our precarious hearts for the briefest moment of happiness? We see these choices being presented to us, and still we seem to go out of our way to fuck things up.

Example (in which Logical Me and Emotional Self have another conversation in my head):

Emotional Self: "Oh, this feels good... like, really good! How can I get more of this?"

Logical Me: "Um, we've definitely been here before. Don't you think you should consider all the possible outcomes before something bad happens? Again? There is a huge potential for pain right here."

ES: "Fuck that - I'm having fun! Besides, maybe fifteenth time's the charm!"

LM: "Yeeeeah, I would really take a moment to step back and think here."

ES: "Nah, it's probs all going to work out for the best. LOL, you worry too much! It's all about positive intention, baby!"

LM: "And pain in T minus 4... 3... 2... 1..."


And Logical Me just crosses her arms and shakes her head as she tells Emotional Self "I fucking told you so."

On the other hand, I can't help but think that if I take too much time to consider the possible outcomes, I may let great opportunities slip right by. This renders the epiphany I had about going after your desires basically invalid. I might be miserable if I don't go after what I desire, and might likewise be miserable if what I desire doesn't pan out. Hmmm. This is quite a dilemma. A cyclical, maddening dilemma....

But also occurs to me that this dilemma may well be the mysterious and elusive formula I've been seeking so long. The key to becoming a real-live adult (or at least a functioning human being):

I have to be both cautious enough to pick the right desires and brave enough to chase them. I have to get my heart and mind in sync, to work together for the greater good of "Me".

BOOM. Mind blown.

Now, how the fuck do I do it?

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