I'm Fine (and by "fine" I mean "faking it")

Sometimes I wonder just how many people out there might be going through a tough time when we've been conditioned to be "fine" all the time. A coworker or friend will ask "How's it going?" and automatically we say "Good!", even when we're not good at all. I know that the level of enthusiasm in my own voice is a tell as to just how shitty I really am. Like if I'm having a meh day and you ask, I'll say "Meh, you know how it is." But if I'm losing my shit, I'll shove "I'M FANTASTIC" down your throat so you can't tell otherwise. I can feel the crazy-eyes happening, but I hope no one can see it. 

And now that I think about it, that isn't the only time I find myself pretending to be something I'm not. The biggest instance is when I get quiet. When I'm happy (or distracted, depends on the day) I am animated and chatty. I love interacting and laughing and being ridiculous normally. But sometimes I'll forget I'm not alone and spend a little too much time in silence. The other party will ask "Are you ok? You're so quiet!" and I'll tell them "I have a headache, weird!" or "I dunno, I guess I just lost my steam, LOL SORRY GUYS!"

If I'm having a bad go of it, why shouldn't I be able to say "Well, I ran out of clean socks today, but I unknowingly spent my last $10 on a pack of smokes so I had to do laundry in my bathtub because my coin card was empty." or "Well, I was feeling sad, but then I spoke to a friend about the passing away of her husband and now I just feel like a complete fucking douche."?

Well, of course, I know why: the first reason being that I'd make people sad or uncomfortable. How are you supposed to keep up the semblance of "fine" when some crazy woman is telling you her whole sad life story  and dragging you down?

And secondly, I don't want to worry my loved ones, and I certainly don't want anyone to think I am incapable to handling my life. Then, God forbid, some one might offer me help - and that just can't happen since, even though I'd love to take you up on the offer (because, in reality, I do need help), my conditioning and pride simply won't allow it.

C'est la vie, am I right?

I don't feel like faking it today.

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