I had the most marvelous conversation with Elle today! I got such good input and came away with something that I think will really help with the whole cycle of self-loathing. I think that there's a part of me that always knew this, but the pattern of feeling unworthy and less-than has stopped me from really believing it:
The fact of the matter is that, despite the depression, I am great. There's nothing about me that makes me less worthy of good things happening to me than any one else out there - something I get to show the world all the time. I may be fickle, and often I am too honest for some people to handle. Every body's got their flaws, right? But you'd be hard-pressed to find some one who cares more and loves harder than me. I may not have much, but I'd give it all up to help a friend, and that's pretty special. I know that I greatly value that quality in others, so shouldn't value it myself as well?
And it's not a boastful thing to say, by any means! I know that after years, a lifetime really, of feeling like I was not good enough it's hard to say things like this without sounding conceited. But I'm trying it out and finding it's not so bad. And unlike my previous posts where I was simply stating positive mantras in the hopes that I would feel better soon, this time I truly believe it.
I'm not cured or any thing like that, but I have another tool to help me win at life and that's a start!