The oddest thing just happened.

But I'll start at the beginning. 

I came home today, a wreck. The feeble foothold I had on a happier me was utterly crushed. There was, of course, no one to blame but myself, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that over the past few days, the triggers I had tucked away inside where I couldn't register them came trickling out and started to get me down. And today the straw that would inevitably brake me was placed gently on my back and shattered me completely.  It hurt so much.

It sounds weird, but in my mind's eye, I could see the pain. Hunched in the middle of my torso there was black mass eating its way through me. What I started doing at that point couldn't even be described as crying. It was more like hyperventilating - not unfamiliar to me, but it was something that hadn't happened in a very long time.  The pain grew so intense, I just didn't want to be living any more. I didn't want to kill myself or anything - I just didn't want to have existed in the first place. I started thinking back to my old methods of coping and thought maybe the pain could be eased (or at the very least, I could be distracted) by branding myself, as it had in my youth. Or better yet, maybe there was a way to dig this darkness out.

But I never got that far because, as I sat shaking with my head in my hands, something simply... snapped. Yes, snapping, that's what it felt like, or as though a switch had been flicked. Abruptly, the image of my agony disappeared and a stillness settled over my body. And I sat for what seemed like ages, staring a speck on a wall as I tried to process what was happening, before it registered: I was empty. There was no pain, there was no self-loathing, there was no sense of hopelessness. 

I felt nothing. 

I sat there for a while, insulating my precarious self with this this blissful nothingness wondering if I should be grateful that my mind took matters into its own hands and simply shut itself down before I did something stupid. Or should I start feeling concerned that what had actually happened was me legitimately loosing my mind? And furthermore, do I care?

I think for now I'll float in this emptiness until I'm capable deciding on any of the above.   

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