Back on Track... ish

Pretty amazing what a slumber party can do for your mood. I love my Cuppy-Cake and her Hubby-Boo, and I feel fucking fantastic.

Now, when I feel slightly more alert, I will be sure to write an actual post...

Ok, I am feeling much more alert, and not nearly so high as I was before. This shitty feeling is caused by two things and, on top of being a little crazy, I am apparently also a masochist.

At the risk of sounding really hoakey, I have a serious problem with empathy - meaning that peoples emotions affect me on a very visceral level. It's something I've always been aware of but up until recently I had no idea how negative an impact it could have. Don't get me wrong, having compassion can be an amazing thing. Being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes can lend great perspective. And getting a sense of another's happiness can lift your own spirits. But on the other hand, feeling someone's despair and grief so clearly that you can't tell if it's your own emotions you're feeling can be unbearable.

So when someone I care about very deeply is in pain, it can hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that I can't carry burdens for them, but I wish with all my heart I could.

On a completely different note, I tend to let myself get confused in my feelings towards people. I wish I could say after ten years I've learned a thing or two, but I have had no such luck. And now I'm in a weird place where it kills me to be see a loved one in distress - almost as much as it kills me that I can't be enough for them. It's a helplessness coming in from two sides, and I stand the chance of being completely consumed if I can't be strong.

So, here's an epiphany: it's my turn to be strong for no one but myself. It's time to care about me as much, if not more, than every body else. 

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