How Funks Work (and why I think I may be insane)

There is a pattern to how these bastards work. I can see them coming from a mile away, but I just can't seem to dodge them. It goes a little something like this:

Emotional Self: That thing I wanted to happen... it didn't happen.

Logical Me: Yeah. Well, that's how it goes sometimes.

ES: But why?

LM: You can't always get you want. If we all got what we wanted all the time, the world would be a fucked up place: we'd all be millionaire bombshell hotties with wicked magical powers and unicorns for steeds. Dinosaurs would run rampant... it'd be pandemonium, and it just can't be.

ES: I bet it was me.

LM: Wait, what?

ES: I bet it was me. I bet there's something inherently wrong with me that decided the outcome of this thing I wanted to happen but didn't.

LM: I don't... I don't understand.

ES: Yeah. Like I'm probably not good enough for (insert boy's name, job position, amount of money needed, ect). I fucking suck, therefore my life is crap. I fucking fail at life!

LM: Oh, fuck me! Are we doing this again? REALLY?

It's like I'm a car and inside there is a sane adult and an angst-ridden teenager. Logical Me is trying her best to steer me in direction of sanity, but Emotional Self keeps grabbing at the steering wheel, trying to lead me down the road of funk. And the two of them are arguing the whole time (and if you've ever tried to reason with a child, you know it's pretty damn frustrating) until Logical Me throws her hands up and says "Fuck it. I'm done with this shit." Then we're off to the Town of Self-Loathing and Depression.

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